There are days that I find myself wondering, "How did I get here." How did I find myself in this certain situation, this particular place... this life. And it's a hell of a thing to think about. Sometimes it's a good thing to look back and reflect on life. It's nice to remember the good times, cherish the life changing events, reflect on the hard choices and learn from the mistakes. It's okay to take a minute and reflect once in a while, but not to dwell or regret. I do not and cannot regret my past. I made some tough choices (which (at the time) I thought was the right thing to do) and in turn gained my two beautiful daughters with a man that I love and care for. It's as simple as that.
I have recently made another very difficult decision and moved myself and the girls back to Pennsylvania. Those of you close enough to me, know the details/reasoning behind this. Most understand my reasoning, some try to... and others cannot and therefore will think what they want. And that's fine. My priority... is my girls. This move (while also good for me) is going to be a blessing to my girls. I am in this current situation because of past choices. Choices I accept. In that time I have done a lot of trying, a lot of hurting, a lot of crying, and a lot of realizing. I had to make a change. And my hopes are that this will make a better man out of my husband, a stronger independent woman out of me and two happy, safe, growing, healthy little girls out of Natalie & Riley.
This is where I want to raise my girls. It always has been... it always will be. I feel very fortunate to have the amazing, supportive and loving family that I do. I am very thankful for the way that my parents raised me. They taught me right and wrong, how to be respectful and loving, honest and kind, taught me all kinds of life skills and to be a hard worker. So much time and effort was put into myself and my siblings, so that we would turn out to be good people. I want my girls to instill these same values and life skills. I want them to be raised in an environment that is filled with good examples and positive "energy" (for lack of a better word). I want to raise my daughters to be amazing people who have endless dreams and goals, and chase after them relentlessly. And when the day comes that they meet a man (far... far... FAR later in life) I want them to find someone with the same values that will treat them how they deserve to be treated. It's what every parent should want for their children. And my previous path would not have lead us there. And for these reasons (which are only the tip of the ice berg), I changed our situation in the way I felt was best... for ALL of us. You better believe I've weighed the pros and cons of this decision time and time again. And I'm well aware of the many different ways this choice can play out. I don't take it lightly... and it weighs heavy on my chest with every breath I take. But I stand by my decision.
This is a new and scary journey for me, but it's for the greater good. I'd love to be a loving happy family of four. I'm not ruling that scenario out but I am also not putting all my faith and hopes into it either. There are many paths we can take in this journey and only time will tell where we end up. All I know is MY head is down and every step I take is for the girls.
